Let me help you out...

I know in these "pandemic times" (ugh... gag) many of you have lost your jobs. It is horrible to watch. I loathe the job-hunting process. So I am here to give you a few helpful tips when applying for a new position. Take notes if you need to, these are heavily researched (by me, a hiring manager) and carefully curated (by me, a professionally trained interview coach) based on real events in my office.

1. Grammar on your resume is important. I realize not everyone uses words at the rate and frequency that I do. So have someone proofread yo' crap before you submit (slang for effect and to prove a point. It makes you sound ignorant). If you can't find anyone, message me. I'll help. When someone's resume crosses my desk and sounds like my seven year old wrote it, game over.

2. Clean out your voicemail and email before submitting. Again, I am the type of person who cannot have notifications visible on my phone. You may be the type of person who's email icon has 475,958 unread notifications (I literally lose sleep at night because of you people), but you are definitely going to be the person who misses my email invitation to an interview because it gets lost in your ocean of messages. And that's best case scenario. I use email as a last resort when I try to call to schedule an interview and I am (a) sent straight to voicemail and (b) to a voicemail box that is full. I chase no one. Ask my husband.

3. For the love of all that is holy, clean up your social media! You will not even have the chance to miss my call or email if I see you drunk (or worse) all over your facebook. Your instagram is clearly showing your budding rap "career" and I give zero f's for your ticktock. Seriously, I am not a huge fan of linkedIn but I definitely know the value of a well crafted profile that gives a full picture of who I am and what I can offer to a company. Your resume gets you in the door, your profile should, at best, solidify but, at worst, not hinder an interview.

4. My new favorite pandemic development is the phone call that goes like this: "hey, are you hiring?" (me) "I'm always accepting applications" (her)"what is the starting pay" (me)"depends on your application" (her) "oh, never mind. not worth it" (me) "couldn't agree more."

5. If you are so lucky as to get an interview, step 1: show up. It pains me greatly that I actually have to say this. step 2: please bath and wash your clothes. step 3: don't get high before you come to your interview (or ever really but what you do on your own time is not my business). step 4: do not act like I am bothering you in the interview. You applied. You agreed to the interview. I even let you pick the time. If you think it's a waste of time, imagine how I feel now that you have distracted me from real work and have made my office smell like a youth hostile/dispensary.

I am legitimately frightened for the future of the private sector as well as my daughters who will one day (many many years from now) want to date and this is what they have to choose from.

Do better people. Do better.