Peppermint victory

From the moment Reagan was a reality people begin asking if I will be nursing. Many are well intentioned and are truly asking out of concern for what I went thru with Aria. But beginning in the hospital when Reagan made her debut, the nurses and lactation consultant were sweet but adamant that I had no other option. Clearly bottle/formula feeding was just crazy talk. Well here I sit at almost 4 weeks postpartum and this baby is doing just fine on formula alone.

At two weeks we discovered her milk protein allergy (enter the colic/reflux monster of DOOM). This is the only part that was like riding a bike for me. I knew this darkness, this misery. It had a face and a name. I could slay that giant. (that night I felt both heart broken and also like supermom). But this was a fork in the road moment for me. Do I gird my loins and head down that path of very few food choices for me and crazy hours of cluster feedings? My spine shivered. That path led me into the “deep dark ugly” last time.

Or do I choose a different path? My sweet husband and I decided the moment that pee stick said “Pregnant” that we would do things differently this time. I would not be bullied, pacified, passed over or ignored…even by my own intuition. So at 11pm on a very dark and tumultuous Saturday night almost two weeks ago we made the decision together, formula it is. No more nursing, no more pumping, no more saving each and every drop of my strength and sanity in the freezer.

I wept for a full 24 hours. Why didn’t my body work? Why couldn’t I make healthy babies? Why were we facing yet another difficult sleepless little life? What did I do wrong in my pregnancies?

Have you struggled with these kind of thoughts? I recently read a study of new moms that tells me at least 80% of you have. I’m not gonna try to do the math of how many of my facebook friends that represents (math is hard and I’m tired). But it does mean a lot of you!

Well let me tell you, mama, ITS OK! You are OK! Yes, many of us would love to be able to nurse our babies with little issue. Many of us would love to be able to put our babies down in the crib with little to no issue. Many of us would love to have those magical unicorn babies! Sadly, for many of us, it’s just not reality. There is nothing wrong with you! You are still a good mama. You are still raising a beautiful baby. So stop and breathe. It is hard. Harder than it is for others. But someone recently told me, “HARD DOES NOT EQUAL BAD.” Most really great things are hard.

So this Christmas I am thankful to be enjoying yet another cup of glorious coffee with peppermint creamer (two things I was not allowed to have with aria because both would cause hours of screaming baby) and be thankful that my littlest princess is not in pain today. She has a full tummy and is laying down for a nap (hopefully) in her crib. I may have only had 3 hours of sleep last night but at least there were no screams or tears from anyone in this house. I, just like you, can do hard things!